The Case of the Wild Man of Blooming Grove

By Mark Twaing

"Homer?"

"What, Doc?"

"What's that?"

"Whats what, Doc?"

"What's that, over there!"

"Oh, that!

That's a jackrabbit, Doc."

"I know it's a jackrabbit, but what is that around its neck, Homer?"

"It appears to be a note Doc!

I think Ranger Headquarters has an assignment for us!

Doc, you need to catch that jackrabbit and get the note, it must be of vital importance!"

"Homer, I can't catch no jackrabbit, and you can't neither!!"

"Yes I can, Doc!

Pay attention!"

Homer puts two fingers in his mouth, whistles very loud, and the jackrabbit stands on its hind legs!

Homer then removes his Stetson and hurls it like a frisbee!

It lands over the rabbits head, blocking his vision, and causing him to be calm and still!

Homer removes the note from the jackrabbits neck, then his Stetson.

The jackrabbit runs away....

"Wow Homer!

That was great!"

"Primary Doc, primary!"

"Well, what does the note say, Homer?"

"It doesn't say anything, Doc!

It's just a note, it can't talk!"

"Thanks for clearing that up, Homer!"

"My pleasure Doc."

"So, Homer, how can I find out what is in the note?"

"Kindergarten, Doc, kindergarten!

I shall read the note aloud, and you can listen.

It will be the words in the note, but it will be my voice you will hear, because it's a note and a note can't talk!!"

"Homer, you are so brilliant!"

"I know, Doc, I know!!"

Homer proceeds to read the note aloud....

"Ranger Headquarters wants you and Doc to check out the Wild Man of Blooming Grove, solve the mystery of his identity, and report back through me, using animal couriers.

This mission is of vital importance.

E"

"E, Homer?"

"Yes Doc, it is from E!"

"Wow, Homer!

This is really big!"

"Yes, Doc.

I read about the Wild Man in the community newsletter.

It seems one day, he just appeared from nowhere.

He was found locked in a cage in the park, near the playground!

No one knows who he is or how he got there!

I think there is a devious connection here, this sounds like the work of my old nemesis!!"

"Your old nemesis, Homer?

You don't mean...."

"Yes Doc, I'm afraid I do!!

This sounds like the work of Mortyfarty!!!"

"Mortyfarty!!!

We better get over to Blooming Grove quick, Homer!"

"Yes, Doc.

Time is of the essence!!

We must get to the horses, Doc!!

The game is afoot!"

"Afoot, Homer?

How long?"

"12 inches, Doc!"

"Homer, you know everything!"

"Of course, Doc!

Of course!"

...........................................................................

As we rejoin the action, we find Homer and his sidekick, Doc Shotgun at the horse rental place....

"Welcome to U-RIDUM!

Kin I hep yew?"

"Yes.

Me and my pard Shotgun are in desperate need of some fast mounts!

Time is of the essence!"

"Oky doky!

Will y'all be needing saddles and tack?"

"Yes, we have a long ride ahead of us!"

"Where y'all headed?"

"Over to Blooming Grove!"

"That's a pretty fer piece!!

I suggest you upgrade to the Comfort King Saddle!

It's like riding on a cloud, and it's only six bits a day extra!!"

"OK, Comfort Kings for both of us!"

"By the way, you will have to go through Frost on the way, would you like a radar detector on your saddle?

Only four bits per day extra, and well worth it!"

"Thank you, but no, we shan't require such accoutrements!"

"Ok, it's your funeral!"

...........................................................................

It's been a long hard ride up Highway 22, and there are still a few miles between our heroes and their destination.......

"Homer, I'm tired!!

Can we dismount a while?"

"Doc, we don't have time!

We have got to keep pushing at a full gallop!

The game's afoot!"

"Homer, I think we are coming into Frost now, we'd best be careful!!!"

.........................................................................

Homer observes the traffic signs, and notes the speed limit is gallop, then 20 feet further slows to canter, then 10 feet further it slows to trot!!

Homer and Doc slow to a trot, but too late!

Up ahead, two cherries appear atop a vintage cadillac, which has a set of longhorn horns strapped to the hood.

Homer and Doc stop and wait.

A figure emerges from the car.

He is wearing sunglasses and a blue spandex suit encrusted with rhinestones!!

He is also wearing a badge and a gun, and has police department patches on his sleeves!!

"Howdy folks, may I see your hoss permits and insurance, please?"

"Officer, these are rental horses, and we forgot to purchase insurance."

"Well in that case you need to have a seat in my patrol car."

Homer dismounts and walks to the car, the officer opens the passenger door for him, then walks around the car, and sits in the driver's seat.

.................

"Would you like a doughnut, Homer?"

"Yep, and I'd like to take one for Doc, if I may."

"You sure are taking a risk to contact me this way, why didn't you reply by jackrabbit?"

"He got away from me!

Besides, I got some questions best asked in person.

What can you tell me about the Wild Man?"

"Not much.

He came roaring through here nearly 4 miles per hour over the speed limit, all kinds of lights flashing, banners all over his vehicle, and I stopped him and gave him a ticket.

He started spouting some nonsense about how he was some bigshot federal agent, scouting a route for some top secret government convoy that was passing through!"

"Interesting.... so what happened?"

"Well, Homer, he got so riled up about me stopping him, I had to place him under arrest!

We don't have a jail here, so I carried him over to Blooming Grove and stuck him in the cage they got over there in the park!"

"Did you question him about the secret convoy?"

"Of course I did, but he clammed up on me!!

Refused to talk once I arrested him!

But there is something fishy here, that's why I contacted you!!"

"Ok my friend, I will get to the bottom of this, that's a promise!"

"Good, Homer!

If anyone can figure this out, it's you!

By the way Homer, please try to use the animal couriers in the future!

I don't want to blow my cover!"

"Ok mis amigo, will do."

"Oh, and one more thing!

Watch your speed when you come through Frost!!"

...........................................................................

Homer interviews the Wild Man, then opens the cage and lets him out.

He runs away.

(The wild man, not Homer)

.......................................................................

"Why did you let him loose, Homer?"

"Look at the size of that cage, Doc!!!

He was here for 8 days, kids poking him with sticks, sat out a rainstorm!!

I figure he's suffered enough, even if he IS a federal agent!!"

"So he really is, Homer?"

"Apparently!"

"What did he tell you, Homer?"

"Turns out there was a big government convoy, Top Secret, that he was scouting for!

And I have learned this convoy is unaccounted for!

Lost!

Vanished!"

"How can the government lose a convoy, Homer?"

"I have a hunch it has something to do with their scout being locked in a cage while they were passing through!!"

"Wow, Homer, you are so brilliant!

Of course that makes sense to me now!"

"Grade school, pard Shotgun, grade school!!"

"So I guess the case is solved now, right Homer?"

"Hardly, Doc!

Now we need to find that convoy!

This is an urgent matter!"

...........................................................................

In our last episode, Homer interviewed the Wildman of Blooming Grove.

After determining that the Wildman was a U.S. government scout, Homer released him, and proceeded, along with his sidekick Doc Shotgun, to locate the lost convoy.

We now rejoin the action at the Vespa motorscooter rental place....

"Welcome to VESPASAURUS!

What can I do for you?"

"We need two of your fastest scooters, time is of the essence!"

"Then you will want the Bad Motor, it will do 35 mph, with a good tailwind!!"

........................................

"Homer?"

"What, Doc?"

"Why are we going to Austin?"

"I need to see some documents at the Archives."

...........................................................................

Later, after Homer has visited the archives........

"OK Homer, what did you learn at the archives?"

"Doc, there are documents there supporting an old theory of mine.

It is known that Mortyfarty's great great great great great grandfather came to America from England in 1732.

It has been documented that he brought with him the Crown of King Arthur, which he had stolen from a monastery!!

This crowns existence seems to have been lost track of around 1840!

It is known that Professor Mortyfarty's great great grandfather had it when he migrated to Texas in 1838.

He ran smack dab into the Comanche war party that raided Linville in 1840!!

In 1852, a gunrunner sketched a portrait of a Comanche warrior who had a parasol, and was wearing a crown!

In 1932, Merriweather Readingisgoodforyou, an amateur anthropologist and Chief of Police in Corsicana, unearthed some old Comanche artifacts, along with some pieces taken in the Linville raid, like ribbon, a parasol and an "old brass lamp shade."

There are sketches and it appears that the "lamp shade" is the crown!!"

"Wow Homer!"

"Yes, and these artifacts were part of the secret convoy that was lost!!

The Readingisgoodforyou collection was donated to the Presidential Library!

And that convoy was taking the Library to Crawford, when it got lost."

..........................................................................

"Homer, it's too dark and spooky here, are you sure we are on the right track?"

"Yes Doc, I have followed the tracks of the trucks in the convoy, and they disappear into the Trinity River just up ahead a piece!"

"Disappear, Homer?"

"Yep pard Shotgun, that is quicksand where they attempted to cross the river!"

"Then we will never solve this case, will we?"

"I think we will, amigo!

Look at that over there!"

"Look at what over where?"

"That, right over there!"

"Oh!

That!

What is it, Homer?"

"It's a coyote Doc, and it appears to have something tied around its neck!"

"Another message from E, Homer?"

"I think so, Doc!

Quick!

You must catch that coyote, the message must be of vital importance!"

"I can't catch no coyote, Homer, and neither can you!"

"Au contraire, amigo!

Watch and learn!"

Homer removes his belt, with its five pound rodeo buckle, swings it over his head, and hurls it at the coyotes legs!

It acts as a bolo, tying the coyote up!

Homer removes the note, then the belt.

The coyote runs away.

"What does the note say, Homer?"

"Doc, I told you before, it's just a note and a note can't talk."

"Ya ya ya... just read it to me, Homer."

"Ranger Headquarters has learned that the convoy containing the Presidential Library was not carrying the Readingisgoodforyou collection of Indian artifacts after all!

It was simply the Presidents collection of Danielle Steele novels and Readers Digest condensed books!

We strongly suspect the convoy was a red herring!!

The Readingisgoodforyou collection was sent to Gargantuan Auction here in Frost and was auctioned off last Saturday!

You must return to Frost immediately and obtain the auction list, time is of the essence!

PS: Watch your speed when you come through my town!"

signed,

Secret Undercover Ranger E"

"Wow Homer!

This case just keeps getting deeper!"

"Yes, Doc.

Professor Mortyfarty is very tricky!!

The old red herring trick!

I should have known!"

"Red herring, Homer?

What is that?"

"It's a fish, like a crappie!

Except it lives in the ocean!

Crappie don't live in the ocean, they live in lakes!!"

"Wow Homer!

You are the most brilliant man I have ever known!"

"I know, Doc, I know!"

...........................................................................

One week later, Professor Mortyfarty receives a phone call....

"Hi Dr. Morty!!

This is Furry Barham!!

Do you remember me?

I am faxing you some photos of a few documents!

Spurlock was looking at them at the archives and I thought you would be interested!"

...........................................................................

Please stay tuned for more action as Homer Spurlock pits his superior nonductive reasoning powers against the incredibly shrewd and twisted mind of his evil genius nemesis, Professor Mortyfarty!!

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